Brains
by DireSphinx
Summary: Two words: Zombie Heiji. katiesparks, this is all your fault.


I blame katiesparks for this bit of insanity. 110% her fault. So please forgive the crack. It's all her! Blame her!

...Unless you like it, in which case, it's mine! It's all mine! Ke ke ke ke ke!

And I don't own DC. Boo hoo. (And somebody's playing me the world's smallest violin right now...might be me...)

* * *

"Alright, explain this to me again. Slowly. In clear, concise words instead of your ahou-ing nonsense. Why, for all that is holy, are you dressed as a zombie?"

"Oh, ya want clear concise? Here's clear concise. I Ain't Wearing No Hello Kitty Costume. Nor any Clifford the Big Red Dog. Or any other cutesy, happy, awww, doesn't that just look precious, let's take a picture and blackmail the sad sucker so he'll never be able to live this down for the rest of his life costume. I'm not the one who wants ta go ta this shindig."

"But Heiji, this is a Halloween party for the Osaka police crew. I promised we'd help chaperone!"

"Ya didn't ask me!"

"Well, I didn't think you'd be such a big ahou about it! What's the big deal? It's just a costume."

"That's no costume. Your outfit's a costume. A witch is a costume. That thing ya wanted me to wear's a torture device."

"It's Batzu-Maru, a penguin! What's so horrible about a penguin?!"

"Do I look like a penguin ahou?"

"Ahou yourself! You can't go in there looking like a corpse - you'll frighten all the little kids."

"...It's not like they haven't seen a corpse before..."

"Ow! What was that for ahou?"

"Who's the ahou, ahou? Those poor kids have probably already seen enough horrid things – you don't need to traumatize them any further! Besides, you're not even a good zombie!"

"Whaddaya mean I'm not a good zombie? I've got the ripped clothes, the pale undead complexion, the rotting, oozing pus, the open sores, the missing shoe. I even bought fake teeth! How am I not a good zombie?"

"For starters, zombies don't wear baseball caps."

"Says who? There's tons of zombies who wear baseball caps."

"Name one."

"…"

"See? I'm right. You can't think of a single zombie that wears a baseball cap."

"Well if Michael Jackson gets to wear a sparkly glove and be zombie, there's no reason why I can't wear my hat and be a zombie too!"

"You're comparing yourself to Michael Jackson?"

"Do ya know any other zombies besides him? I even learned the zombie dance for this!"

"...the zombie dance?"

"Ahou, ya don't know the zombie dance? Ya been living under a rock or something? Everyone knows the zombie dance! Here, watch!"

(shuffling and sliding and arm movements ensue)

"Heiji, that's the Thriller dance."

"No, it's the zombie dance."

"From Thriller."

"Yes, but it's the zombie dance from Thriller."

_Sigh..._

"Well, at least you got the IQ right."

"What's that supposed ta mean?"

"It's means you're dumber than a box of rocks ahou!"

"A bunch of...ahou! I'll have ya know zombies have the mental capacities of a fourteen month old!"

"Oh really?"

"Yeah! How do ya think they're able to talk?"

"Talk? Heiji, all zombies do is shuffle and groan."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh! They also say 'Brains!'"

"Oh wow, a whole other word. I'm so impressed."

"Are ya mocking me?"

"Heiji, you can't even shuffle and groan at the same time! You're always opening your big trap! You couldn't act like a zombie to save your life!"

"Well how would ya know what a zombie acts life? You didn't even remember the brains! It's the brains! Everybody knows about zombies and brains!"

"Okay then, show me what a real zombie's like. Right here, right now."

"Kazuha, we're riding on the subway."

"I thought zombies only said brains?"

_Grrrrrrr_... "...brains."

(not impressed)

"...Brains..."

(yawns)

"Brrraaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnssssssss"

(looking at her watch)

"BRAINS!!!!!!!"

"…"

"...Ahou, I said brains! Sheesh, what's wrong with ya? Don'tcha know what ta do when a zombie says brains? You're supposed ta scream and run ahou!"

"I thought zombies didn't tell people what to do? I thought they only said brains..."

"...friggidy graaggidy mercoma mazinrinha..."

"What?"

"..."

"What did you say?"

"...Brains."

"No, before."

"Brains."

"_Heiji..._"

"_Brains..._"

"Okay ahou, zombies say brains. I get it. You can stop now."

"Brains?"

"I mean it Heiji."

"_Bra-ins_."

"Do you want me to hit you with my broom?"

"…"

"...Good."

...

...

"...brains..."

"AHOU!"


End file.
